Friday, December 17, 2010

Attraction Action Reaction

I've found myself in a precarious situation of late. A strange sort of crossroads. A lame, "Sweet Valley High" like scenario, one that causes me to remind myself time and time again, "I'm an adult." Nor can I allow my sardonic nature to further muddle my decision making. I have a choice, or rather, I feel obligated to give an answer. I just genuinely don't know what to do.

Fresh off the rejection train, (ugh) someone has made his feelings for me known, though said feelings were of no surprise to me. I have woman's intuition, after all. And this man has carried a torch for me for well over a decade; it just took him as many years to muster up the guts to tell me so. (though again, no surprise) This fact alone makes me feel strangely obligated - he's liked me for so could I possibly turn him down?

He's a nice guy, an intelligent guy. Patient and level headed. Emotionally and mentally stable. Makes decent coin. Is well aware of the fact that not only do I have children, but that I also have a special needs child. It doesn't bother him, and I truly believe that I could have a house full of special needs children and it wouldn't make a bit of difference: he likes me. A lot.

Is the feeling mutual? Yes and no. Rarely have I met someone who I feel instantly comfortable around, and Pete* was indeed the exception. I felt comfortable around him almost right away, and continue to feel as such. Talking to Pete* is like...I don't know. Talking to an exquisitely programmed android. He emotes, listens, and gives feedback, yet you never really feel like you're being judged - and not because he doesn't feel the need to - but because he can't. Does this make sense? How can I explain this better?

I once read about "operatic" relationships, the kind that involves a lot of yelling and screaming, but is resolved in a furor of passion. Despite my better judgment, this always sounded appealing to me. I like to argue. I like to screw. Best of both worlds. But Pete* is, without a shred of doubt, not the type to resolve disputes in such a manner. In fact, with Pete* I don't think disputes would even exist. Everything would be agreeable. Ours would be the house of amicability. A fortress of fairness, absolute. This sounds wonderful - in theory. But I think the reality would be insufferable. I just don't know...

I'm not physically attracted to him, and this is pretty shameful for me to admit. I feel like a hypocrite for uttering this, even in a blog, because I know what it's like to be rejected based on looks - yet I find myself doing the same. Potentially, at least. This is a huge point of contention between my mature, "adult" side, and my juvenile, animalistic side which makes decisions based on chemistry and attraction, rather than character and intent. With Paul* it was intellectual and physical. Not only did he have things to say, but I found myself coveting things like the angular symmetry of his face, and his almost delicate features. I had dreams about this man. I still do. But it wasn't reciprocated. There's nothing that can be done.

I'm horribly lonely and this fact makes me feel weak and stupid. And desperate. The holidays loomed, and now they're here. And I'm still alone. And I don't want to be...and I don't have to be. Because there's Pete. There's Pete or nothing.

"There's me, miss. I'm the best you've got. And you're in no position to be so picky and choosy." - From some movie I forget the title of.

Thursday, December 9, 2010

Master of Disaster

Hello, blog. How do ya like being neglected, just like the others? Thought you were special, eh? Well you're a fool!

Nearly four months have passed since my last post, and I cannot honestly say that anything of great significance has occurred. I'm very nearly through with my first semester of school, and am close to getting my first ever straight A report card. (are they called report cards in college? eh? seems a bit juvenile) However, I can honestly say that it wasn't a big achievement, taking into consideration the "Dur, easy" factor of the courses I took. Computer stuff, mostly. Technical writing. 'S not exactly rocket science, yeah? Still, I suppose I cannot take everything away from my victory, no matter how insignificant. After all, I managed to earn a 4.0 average (I think) while functioning as a single parent, thus earning said grades whilst doing the "single mom" thing. Not bad, I guess. It's something.

Socially, things remain the same. I did manage to ease my ass out of my comfort zone long enough to entice a man to sit at my kitchen table and eat my sub-par cooking, but that's as far as it went, and I suspect that's as far as it will go. I'm not sure what ultimately worked as the repellent: my weight, (though, in my defense, I've lost a significant amount (60+ pounds) and continue to shed the excess poundage) my awkward prattling, the awful food, or all of the above. I suspect that it might be the latter.

As a woman who was born and raised in a culture that teaches women to blame themselves for everything, I'm rather quick to assume the apparent lack of interest was all because of little ole me, and all the things I did wrong. I have, on occasion, entertained the idea that maybe, just maybe, this bloke is the one with the issues. And I can't help but to be a little annoyed at his blindness to all the things we have in common, even those that are less than stellar. Difficult, aloof people have an awful time with relationships - this is fact. And I suppose if you're a bed-hopper it helps to ease the loneliness. I, however, am not, for reasons both practical and personal. Men don't frequent my bed, sadly, but rather an impressive collection of objects that are to be kept in drawers and hidden under clothes makes their rotation on a constant basis. And though it helps me to unburden, I can't help but to chuckle at the stereotypical lifestyle I've found myself in. I have not landed man. I tried, and I failed. So, it's back to the sock drawer for me. Well, hey.

To say that I'm disappointed would be an understatement, but the fact remains that there's nothing that can be done. Also, sometimes, you're just not going to be someone's cup of matter how much stuff you have in common with them. A lot can be said for animal magnetism. Chemistry. It's primal. Biological. And few of us have risen above it. So it appears as though common interests aren't enough. Well, duh.

I have made goals that go unsaid, devised plans that I am determined to see flower. There's plenty of fish in the sea, yeah?

Back to the boat I go.